That's What Mothers do

To write a eulogy is not easy. I have a few minutes to sum up my mother’s life, and what she meant to me, my brother and sister, not to mention her extended family. I think all I can do is tell you what memories I have of my mum, and I hope you can relate to them.

The second eldest of seven children mum was born in Dundee in Scotland and grew up in Rosyth, a dockyard town where she met our dad Douglas, known at the time, as I am sure many here will know, as Mac, who was in the Navy. When we were growing up in the 70’s dad was away at sea for several lengthy spells and she looked after the three of us on her own with only a bar of chocolate at the end of the day to look forward to. (Mum, not us!)

Who was mum to me? She was the woman who sent us to school with our dinner money each week, safely wrapped in an envelope and then put in the palm of our hands with a glove over to keep it secure. The woman who made sure we never went hungry, whether for nourishment or love – we always left with a kiss in the morning, and a kiss goodnight. We did get strange looks in the summer, mind, with our gloves on.

I can speak for us all when I say she, and dad, gave us blessed childhoods. We were luckier than we knew at the time – we can look back and reflect on that with such fond memories; at the shared mealtimes around the table – I’d climb mountains for one of mum’s roast beef dinners, even though she had an uncanny knack of managing to use every pot and pan she owned in the house, but she cleverly worked out the Sunday washing-up rota for us three to take in turn. We all said a quiet prayer of thanks when she got her first dishwasher! Her desserts were legendary – I know the “Veggie” club she joined – a dining group which meets once a month – wouldn’t let her leave! I can only say thank goodness they weren’t vegan!

Family dinners continued into our adult lives – as you may possibly tell her love of food was a gene she passed on to me – and she thrived in having us all around her when our different lives allowed us to meet – usually at Christmas, a time that both she and dad loved and of which we have such warm memories too. I remember particularly the Christmas of 1989, when the Lambada craze swept the nation, and mum grew fond of the tune, putting it on repeat and insisting I dance with her – not a dance any son should have to perform with their mother, but she persisted, until eventually somewhere between the Latin beats and the Baileys we became entangled in the Christmas tree. Just an example of her sense of fun, her good humour, and her love of dancing, which I know she enjoyed, whether it was performing Scottish dancing or watching the ballet. It was mum who said to me, “You really should go and see a ballet, you don’t know what you’re missing” – and when I did finally go, with mums words of advice ringing in my ears, I was able to say “You were right”, without, typically of mum, her ever feeling the need to say “I told you so”.

For all the love mum so generously shared, it can’t go unmentioned how much she adored her grandchildren – first Jack and Lorna, then Zachary and baby Sebastian who sadly is not with us – no doubt in mums arms, as she continues to be a one woman knitting machine, a hobby she loved. She liked to proudly tell anyone who would listen of her grandchildren’s achievements, or to wheel Zachary into town in his buggy to show him off, when he wasn’t purloining all the rest of her free time to play “Emergency Services” or “Air – Sea Rescue”. The rules of those games she seemed to pick up easily, yet ask her to play “Trivial Pursuit” and the rules would defy her – not that she didn’t know the answers, she just couldn’t grasp that she didn’t need to shout them out when it wasn’t her turn, causing much hilarity or consternation, depending which side you were on.

For all that though, mum had the rules of the biggest game – that of life – pretty much sussed. Never taking anything for granted, she impressed us all with her strength after dad died – they’d only been able to enjoy a few years together in Stamford, the town they both grew to love, before mum was widowed at the age of 50. As we obviously worried how mum would cope – she is, after all the woman who took four years to decide whether to buy a new dining table or not – we could only watch with admiration as she picked herself up and built a new life, moving to Gresley Drive and enjoying the company of her many friends and family whom she regarded so highly, sharing trips out, holidays abroad or simply a chat over coffee in the high street. When she was diagnosed with her illness, she characteristically played it down, understating how she was feeling to spare our feelings, not wishing to be an inconvenience to anyone. Right to the end, it was mum who turned to me in the early hours of the morning and said it was me who should be in bed, getting some rest.

You could say that’s what mothers do, but it was more than that. However you might know her – as Betty, the name she grew up with (and she’d hate you knowing that) which she insisted be dropped for Elizabeth or Liz, or as Granny, Aunty – or just “mum” – she shared the same sense of fun, and simple good old fashioned decency with everyone, and for that she’ll be deeply missed.

Mum, we love you – God bless.

An Ordinary Rendition

This is how "Trial of Simone" ended up, becoming "An Ordinary Rendition" in the process. 

Written in collaboration with Vivian Gundlach.

Simone – A smartly dressed woman of about 30.

David – A suited man of about 40.

A waiting room. Two doors stand either side of the back wall. They each bear a sign, one for “Gents” and the other for “Ladies”. There are wooden benches. There is a waste paper bin. There is a clock on the back wall, between the two doors. It is set at 08.42. (It keeps good time). There is a notice board beneath the clock with a timetable and a poster warning that “Thieves operate in this area” pinned to it. There are other notices typical of a train station pinned to the board. A loud speaker sits above each toilet door.  The entrance is stage left through a glass-panelled door.

Simone sits in the waiting room with her back to the entrance, on the middle bench, with a portfolio and a camera on her lap and a coat by her side. She is fidgeting. Standing opposite her is a small, unattended suitcase on wheels, and a newspaper on the bench. She takes a picture of it with her camera. The toilet flushes. 10 seconds later David enters through the Gents toilet door and sits opposite Simone. He removes his coat. He moves the suitcase towards him. Simone sits stilly, avoiding his gaze.

Dave                (Coughs)

Pardon me.

(Stifling a yawn)

Terrible weather.

Simone            (Without looking)

 Mmm.

Dave                You got far to go?

Simone            London.

Dave                Me too.

(Pause. A station announcement is heard on the tannoy. It is completely inaudible).

Dave                Did you hear that? What was that? I didn’t get any of that.

Simone            No. I couldn’t hear it.

Dave                Never can. Half the time you can’t understand the accent even if you can hear it.

Simone            Mmm…

(Pause)

Dave                You a photographer or something, then?

Simone            Yes. Something like that.

Dave                Those your pictures? Can I have a look? I’m quite keen myself. Well, you know, on holidays and stuff. Not professional but I’ve got a good eye for that kind of thing. I obviously don’t develop my own photos. Well, no need is there? You can just run them down to Boots these days and do them digitally down there in one of those machines. You know what I mean?

Simone            Yes. But, no. I mean, yes these are pictures and I know what you mean but these aren’t really pictures for showing.

Dave                Huh? What’s the point of that then? I don’t get it.

Simone            I have to go. My train will be here in a minute.

Dave                Oh. My train too, then.

(They both rise to leave, putting on their coats. Dave picks up his suitcase. Simone exits, holding the door open for Dave. Dave exits. There is a long pause. Simone returns. She’s talking into a mobile ‘phone.)

Simone            “They didn’t say. I don’t know…oh, you know this lot…wrong leaves on the track probably. It’s this bad weather.

                        (She removes her coat)

Look, I’m not happy about it either. If I could change it, I would, don’t you think I’d do that? They’re sending for some buses. We have to finish the journey in buses. They said in about an hour, though.

(Dave returns, dragging his case behind him. He speaks on a mobile ‘phone as well.)

Dave                If you need to, start without me and I’ll be there as soon as – I can set my presentation up during coffee if I need to. There’s going to be a comfort break at some point, I’m sure.

(He removes his coat)

Yes it is bloody inconvenient but there’s not much I can do. I’ll see you later.

(Call ends).

That wasn’t part of the plan! There was nothing on the Net this morning when I looked.

Simone            No.

Dave                That’s going to put me behind schedule. How about you?

Simone            I could have done without it.

Dave                Suppose we’ll just have to grin and bear it. Looks like we’re here for the long haul!

Simone            It seems we have little choice.

(Dave looks at Simone for a moment then gives up trying to converse. He picks up the newspaper and shuffles the pages, folding the paper over. He starts to do the crossword. Simone plays with her mobile ‘phone.)

Dave                (Softly)

Five across. Five letters. Indeterminate. Second letter “A”. Ends in “E”.

Simone            Vague.

Dave                Pardon?

Simone            The answer. It’s “V-A-G-U-E”. Vague.

Dave                Ha! Thanks! That fits…seven down is “Guilt”, then. Culpability. That’s guilt, isn’t it?

Simone            Yes, if you’re that way inclined.

Dave                That way?

Simone            It was a joke. I meant, if you have a guilty conscience. Then yes, you’d be inclined to think that way. It doesn’t matter. It could have been “Responsibility”, that’s another meaning for the same word. That’s all I meant. You choose the word you most associate with, to begin with, in crosswords.

Dave                Do spare me the therapy lesson, but it couldn’t be that, could it? It doesn’t start with a “G” and it was only five letters long.

Simone            Fine. Forget I said it. I’ll keep quiet until you get a seven-letter word then!

                        (Dave continues his puzzle in silence, while Simone sends a text message. Dave ruffles his newspaper, disturbing Simone. He looks up and meets her gaze. He smiles, embarrassed; she does not smile back.)

Simone            Reached a seven-letter word?

Dave                Yeah

(Pause)

 “To punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure”. Seven letters, fourth letter is a T, so it must be beating. Yes! Beating! Never mind, I’ve got it.

                        (Dave smiles, triumphantly.)

                        A smack on the backside never did me any harm. These days not even an ASBO can keep kids in line. Kids just run riot these days.

Simone            It’s not “beating”.

Dave                Sorry, what?

Simone            The word you are looking for, it’s not “beating”.

Dave                Yes it is, it’s got seven letters and the fourth letter is a T. It fits.

Simone            Ok then, you know best. So, when you were a boy and you were bad, your mum smacked you?

Dave                Yes, and when I had been really bad she waited for my dad to come home, and that was no fun, I tell you. Taught me discipline though. That’s what kids lack these days. Discipline.

Simone            You got kids yourself?

Dave                Yeah, I’ve got two.

                        (He tries to return to his paper)

Simone            Yes? …. And do they have names?

Dave                (Pause)

Colin and Suzanne.

                        (He turns away, slightly)

Simone            A boy and a girl … how old are they?

Dave                (Pause)

 Colin is twelve now and Suzanne is nine.

Simone            And are they ever bad?

Dave                Well, you know, all kids get into trouble, that’s what they’re kids for, right?

(Dave laughs)

Simone            And when they are bad, do you smack them?

Dave                No.

(He picks up the newspaper)

Simone            I don’t understand that. Just a minute ago you said kids need discipline, but your own kids are the exception to that rule? Figures.

Dave                (Softly)

No it doesn’t. My kids don’t live with me –

Simone            Sorry?

Dave                My kids don’t live with me. They live with their mother.

Simone            I see, but then you have them on weekends, right?

Dave                No...We’re divorced - she moved to Australia and I haven’t seen my kids since.

Simone            I bet you must miss them?

Dave                I do. I’ve got a few photos in my wallet. All I have left. That and the odd phone call, now and then.

                        (Dave takes out his wallet and looks inside, at the photos of his kids, for a long time. He looks up at Simone again.)

                        Want to see?

(He holds out his wallet to her. Simone looks at the wallet but waits a moment before taking it. Then she takes it and looks at the photos.)

Simone            That’s the beauty of photography; it preserves memories.. Cute kids by the way.

(She hands back the wallet. Dave looks again at the photos and then puts the wallet away in his jacket pocket.)

Dave                Thanks. They mean the world to me. I’d do anything to have them back, here with me. I made a terrible mistake.

Simone            Really? What?

Dave                Letting them go. I know it sounds silly now, but I didn’t feel I had a choice, not then, anyway. She made it sound like they had nothing here, with everything they could ever need on the other side of the world…well, I wasn’t thinking straight as it was…it was a rough time we’d been through.

Simone            I didn’t think you could do that – take kids away, overseas?

Dave                I signed the consent forms.

Simone            You did? What about access?

Dave                I thought about that. She said she’d sort it…well, her and, you know, her new partner. They were supposed to pay for the flights, bring the kids over because they can’t travel alone yet – she promised, but then it was all, “Oh, we’ve just got them settled in school” and “Suzanne just started riding lessons, you know it’s the summer here?” and then one year became two -

(Beat)

I feel like I’m becoming a stranger…to my own family…my kids. They started calling him “Daddy”, you know. Suzanne let it slip.

(Beat)

 It just came out, like it was normal. “Daddy’s lighting the barbecue,” she said. Barbecue – in December. We sit here shivering and they’re down on the beach waiting for Santa on a jet ski and she hits me with that. I felt…

Simone            What? Useless? Betrayed? She’s just a kid…

Dave                I know…I don’t blame her – it’s our mess…I just felt…forgotten. When I talk to them, it’s like they’re forgetting who I am and I’m missing so much. Kids that age – they change so quickly, don’t they? One minute leaping in your arms for a hug and the next they’re too cool for all that – they’d rather be with their mates. That comes around soon enough and I’m not even getting to see that, am I?

Simone            Why don’t you go out there then? It’s not just a one-way street, is it? You could travel there, couldn’t you?

Dave                It’s expensive.

Simone            But worth it, surely?

Dave                Of course it is. No question. I just haven’t got much money at the moment. I wasn’t working for a while. Things got rocky. It’s partly what we…started to argue about. Things went a bit quiet at work…well they did, didn’t they, after 9-11? We didn’t see it coming, not at first. Started with our expenses – Management taking a closer look at them, cutting back, telling us to find cheaper hotels, reducing our budgets  - should have seen it coming I suppose, but you keep telling yourself it’s just a bad month, things will pick up…

Simone            What was it you did?

Dave                (Pause)

Packet mixes, dried goods, that type of thing. I sold to the Middle East. Cake mixes – just add water, you know? I sold cakes to the Arabs.

Simone            You’ve been to the Middle East?

Dave                Yes, I have. When I first joined, that market was really opening up. They loved it. We were one of the first in there. Everything was going fantastically, and then 9-11 happened, and it all changed. I guess people didn’t want the West in a packet anymore. The order books started getting thinner. The atmosphere changed, you know?

Simone            Hostile?

Dave                Yes, in a way. Those people are extremely generous. You visit them at home, there’s tea and all kinds of sweets, and you can’t refuse - that’s considered rude! Sometimes there’s an entire meal. Then it changed. It just wasn’t so safe moving around and then we were advised to hire security and it all started to go downhill, the cost of that combined with the cancelled orders.

Simone            The Company went bankrupt?

Dave                No, not that, we just lost too much of the market. I was made redundant and we’d just bought a house. I was the breadwinner since my wife was of the opinion that a mother needs to stay home with her kids before they become social deviants…

Simone            Sounds like you don’t necessarily agree with that?

Dave                Any kid can end screwed up. All I know is that it would have made a hell of a difference to my marriage if she’d got a job to bring in some cash. As it was, I didn’t have the guts to tell her.

Simone            Excuse me? You didn’t tell your wife you got fired? How did you get away with that?

Dave                I didn’t in the end, did I? I lost it all. I hung on for as long as I could. Left the house every morning and came back at the normal time.

Simone            Jesus! What did you do all day? Sit in the park?

Dave                Sometimes, when the weather was good. You’d think it would be easy to spend hours in London, but it was hell. I was so terrified of running into somebody I knew that I was on edge all day. Look, you don’t need me boring you with all this –

Simone            Not at all. Other people’s lives fascinate me. I’m a bit of a voyeur in that sense. Carry on.

Dave                Where was I? Oh, yes…so that was stressing me out, trying to pass the time until it was time to go home again. Sometimes I pretended to go on business trips, like I used to do. I’d just find the cheapest hotel I could down on the coast. That was depressing, but in a way it was relaxing too. Does that make sense?

Simone            I think I can understand that.

Dave                But of course it all cost money and it got to me in the end… I mean … Torquay, in November - damp on the wallpaper - money I didn’t have. I’d been dipping into our savings account for a couple of months, as it was. I didn’t see a way out, and when I was home I don’t suppose I was much fun to be around. My wife kept nagging and we kept fighting and in the end we just fell apart and then it all came out. So that was the end of the marriage. She said I was a coward for not telling her. Obviously I was never to be trusted again. “Just like all men” she said. Do you think men can’t be trusted?

Simone            (Pause)

 If I was being kind I’d say that men sometimes appear to have a different view of reality than women.

Dave                And if you were to be unkind?

Simone            I’d still say you have a different view....

Dave                (Thinking)

She moved back in with her mum and took the kids with her – my name was mud, of course  – and then she met her new bloke while on a night out. She couldn’t get a job in the daytime - but it is all right for her to be out at night? As it turned out this bloke had an uncle in Australia that needed help with his business, and next thing she ups-sticks and leaves. I had to sell the house and I end up in a bed-sit.

Simone            You say it would have made a difference if your wife had a job, but you didn’t tell her the truth about losing your job? Do you think you deserved to be trusted? It seems clear to me that –

Dave                It does, does it? I guess for you it’s all black and white then? I am not proud of what I did. If I could turn the clock back I’d do things differently, of course I would. But you weren’t there so you don’t know what it was like – no one does, until it happens. Things just happened, they spiralled out of control. It started with a lie – a little white lie – I didn’t know it would go on so long. I was going to get another job – tell her then. Tell her I’d been looking around, that this would be good for my career – she didn’t need to know I’d lost my job and have all that worry. It wasn’t about trust then was it? I was doing it for love. I wanted to protect them, all of them. Get things back on track, just tighten my belt a little bit, and move on. I thought I’d just walk into a job; start doing what I’m best at. Sales – it’s in my blood. I get off on the buzz, the whole “schmooze”. Setting up the deal, pushing and prodding until it’s closed. Anticipating the next move, being ready for it. If you know what’s coming next you can’t get caught out – 

(Simone stifles a giggle)

Hey, what’s so funny?

Simone            I’m sorry! I’m not laughing at you, honestly. It’s just something you said.

Dave                What?

Simone            About the lies

Dave                What of them?

Simone            The whole thing. The Middle East. Iraq. It all started with a lie, didn’t it?

Dave                Yes…but they sold it to us, didn’t they?

Simone            And we bought it.

Dave                A funny thing, though. Not Iraq…that’s different. What I did. You know, I really wasn’t trying to deceive anyone. Things just took a turn for the worse. Do you see that? Is it clearer now?

Simone            I see it. I know what you’re saying. It’s just, well, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been better to tell the truth earlier rather than later? No one seems to have the guts to do that these days, do they? I don’t mean to say I think you’re a dishonest man – what’s your name? I don’t think I caught it?

Dave                David. I prefer Dave though. And you?

Simone            (Laughing)

 I prefer Dave too.

Dave                No I meant –

Simone            I know! I’m Simone.

Dave                I like that. Pretty name.

Simone            It means, “She heard” in Hebrew. I’m a good listener. I like to people watch – anyway, what was I saying?

Dave                I’m not a dishonest man –

Simone            That’s right. I mean I doubt you set out to be deceptive, but once you knew, you could have avoided a whole heap of trouble, surely? Is that a fair comment?

Dave                In retrospect, it is. But then I suppose, looking back, I’d do so many things differently. No point in living a life of regrets is there? I spent long enough feeling sorry for myself as it is, until I got myself back on my feet again.

(The station tannoy crackles. It whines with feedback, then pops. The speakers whine before falling silent again. Dave looks up at the speakers. Simone does not react)

Dave                Huh? (Sarcastically) You’d think they’re trying to make us feel comfortable, or something. I suppose that means we are in for a long wait. Some light entertainment wouldn’t hurt.

Simone            We’ll just have to provide our own entertainment, won’t we, so we don’t go nuts? I don’t think I ever saw such a stimulus free room like this one.

Dave                A what room?

Simone            A stimulus free room. You know, a room with nothing to do, nothing to see, nothing to hear. Like in a prison cell. Ever been inside a prison?

Dave                No, I can’t say I have. I didn’t sink that low you know.

Simone            I don’t know if people in prisons have necessarily sunk low, per se. Each person has his or her own story. Sometimes it’s just a lack of insight that causes them to make the wrong choices.

Dave                Well, as far as I’m concerned people that end up in prison are criminals who broke the law and got what they deserved. If you can’t do the time…don’t do the…

Simone            Now that’s what I call black and white thinking. See, we’re all guilty of that!

Dave                Do you honestly think that our prisons are filled with innocent people? “Victims” of society? Sorry - I really think that’s very naive.

Simone            (Pause) You said you got yourself back on your feet again?

Dave                Yes, I did. Found another job, no perks like the old job, but still. Then I found a place to live in rented accommodation. At least now I feel sort of like a useful member of society again.

Simone            And a new girlfriend?

Dave                No. In fact, I’ll be thinking twice before entering into another commitment like marriage. You plan your life, sort of, as well as you can really, and somebody else can just take everything away from you. I’m in no rush to fall into that trap again. You don’t really trust men, do you? Well, maybe you didn’t say it quite like that but I bet you learned it the hard way. Am I right?

Simone            (Pause) Excuse me a moment.

(She picks up her handbag and goes into the ladies room.

(Dave sits. His gaze falls on Simone’s portfolio He hesitates then checks around him. He opens the portfolio and looks at some photos.)

 Bloody hell!!

(The toilet flushes. He closes the portfolio. He returns to his seat, as Simone enters.  She holds a toilet chain in her hand. She notices the portfolio has been moved but says nothing).

Simone            No news?

Dave                News?

Simone            News on the delay.

Dave                No, no news. All’s quiet on the Western front.

(Laughs nervously)

 Did you break the chain or something?

Simone            Something like that.

(Simone puts the chain in her handbag).

Dave                I’m beginning to think there’s no one else here but us. Do you think we’ve been forgotten?

Simone            I wouldn’t put anything past them. I’m sure we haven’t been. Go and get yourself a cup of tea if you’re that bothered. Ask someone what’s going on.

Dave                I couldn’t drink that swill! Still, that’s not a bad idea. It won’t hurt to chase them up, find out what’s going on. Can I get you anything? A drink? Sandwich? Anything?

Simone            Coffee would be good. Black, no sugar, please.

Dave                ‘Cos you’re sweet enough already! No worries. My treat. Sure you don’t want anything to eat?

                        (Simone rolls her eyes)

Simone            No thanks. A coffee will be fine.

Dave                Okay. Be back in a mo.

(Dave puts on his coat)

Will you keep an eye on my stuff?

Simone            Of course! It’s not like it’s going anywhere though.

Dave                (Laughs)

I suppose you’re right. Still, can’t be too careful.

(He points at the “thieves” poster on the notice board)

Two coffees it is then, coming right up.

Simone            Okay.

                        (Dave exits. Simone waits for him to leave then picks up her portfolio agitatedly. She flicks through it then snaps it shut. She is annoyed. A few more moments pass and Dave returns, empty-handed)

Dave                That just takes the bloody piss! The café is shut. What’s more – I couldn’t find anyone around. Not even in the ticket office. That’s shut as well. There’s a sign up, that’s all.

(Dave removes his coat and throws it onto the bench)

It just says “Substitute Bus Service Operating”. Someone must be here, operating that bloody thing.

Simone            Thing?

Dave                On the tannoy. That racket that keeps coming out. They can’t even get that to work right.

Simone            Dave, what are you going on about? Just sit down, will you?

Dave                Oh, never mind. Sorry about the coffee. Now I can’t have it I’m really thirsty.

Simone            It doesn’t matter about the coffee. Now will you sit down?

                        (Dave sits)

                         I kept an eye on your stuff.

Dave                Thanks.

Simone            I don’t think you understood. I’ll say it again. I watched over your things, Dave. While you were gone. It was a question of trust. I don’t even know you, yet I watched your kit and do you know what, Dave?

Dave                What?

Simone            In all the time you were out, I never once thought about looking through your belongings. That’s what trust means, Dave. But then you’re an honest guy, aren’t you? You told me that you are. And we can leave the good guys in charge of our things, can’t we? We know they’ll be safe, because that’s what the good guys do, isn’t it Dave? They look after our stuff. They don’t go rifling through it, like a petty criminal. Am I making any sense, Dave?

Dave                No, actually –

Simone            Shut up! Come on – you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Don’t tell me if your mum found you with your hand in the cookie jar you’d still deny taking any? Do you like peeking at other people’s things? Does it give you a kick? Got any sisters, Dave? Would you sneak around their rooms? Go through their drawers? Is that what you do, Dave?

Dave                No! You’ve got it all wrong. I just –

Simone            Just what? Couldn’t help your self? Is there something you’d like to say to me, Dave? Anything you need to get off your chest?

Dave                Look – I – I just took a look at some of your pictures. I was genuinely interested, that’s all. I didn’t mean to upset you – I wasn’t rifling through your things, honest.

Simone            That word, again. I told you they weren’t for looking at, but that wasn’t enough for you was it? It wasn’t enough that you could just take me at my word. You had to step over the line. Take a bite from the apple. You’ve broken my trust. What are we to do now?

Dave                Can’t we just put it behind us? Won’t you just accept my apology? Forget it happened? I only saw a couple of pictures. I won’t mention it again if you –

Simone            It’s not as simple as that, is it? You’ve seen enough. We can’t just wipe the slate clean, can we? What possessed you? This is a situation now, Dave. I don’t think you realise how serious this is. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t go rooting through your suitcase when you went out. It’s a violation. Have you ever been burgled? Had a stranger go through your house? Ransacking everything? Do you know how that feels?

Dave                No – that’s never happened to me, but I can imagine you’d feel pretty sick.

Simone            That’s right. It’s a feeling you don’t shake. But it’s more than that. Once it’s happened, it changes things in a way that you can’t just forget about. You know it’s happened and it doesn’t just go away.

Dave                Aren’t you overreacting just a bit? It’s hardly the same thing, is it? I looked at your pictures –

Simone            You stole a peek –

Dave                Glanced, barely a glimpse –

Simone            You shouldn’t have –

Dave                But I did – and let’s be frank – why am I the one on trial here? How are you turning this all on me? I saw enough – and something doesn’t stack up here – what the hell are they all about? Who are you? Sitting there all high and mighty – the only reason you’re so wound up is you’re worried that I’ll tell someone about them and from where I’m looking that’s your problem more than it is mine. How about you do some explaining now? Try convincing me why I should keep quiet? Do you know what would happen if the press got hold of them? There’d be a scandal – I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. You’d be lynched.

Simone            You don’t understand. You’re taking them out of context, for a start. You’ve made a judgement based on nothing. It’s your own subjectivity speaking here. You don’t have the facts. If I paw through your things will I know you, Dave? Come on – if we open up your suitcase will we know the man? Eh? Failed marriage, couldn’t keep hold of his kids – born loser? Got it all wrapped up in there, have you?

Dave                Shut up! Don’t call me that again or I’ll –

Simone            You’ll what? Go on – tell me –

Dave                Let it go. Just leave it. This is ridiculous. You left that portfolio out for the whole world to see and now you start getting priggish about it – you want to start looking closer to home, lady, before throwing wild accusations around. I didn’t mean any harm by it.

                        (Dave puts his coat on. He pulls the suitcase and goes to leave)

Simone            Now who’s being ridiculous? Look at it out there – it’s pouring down. You’ll be soaked.  Just stay, for goodness sake. Sit back down.

                        (Dave stands at the door, looking out. He thinks twice about leaving)

Dave                Alright. But you’ve got it all wrong you know.

Simone            What have I got wrong?

Dave                My life. This suitcase. It’s not how you said it. That’s not what’s in here. You don’t know me. Don’t make out you do. What do you know about me anyway? A few things I told you. I love my kids. I wish I hadn’t opened my big mouth now.

Simone            I’m not judging you. I didn’t judge you. It’s not as if you’re the first, is it? Loads of fathers don’t live with their kids. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about them, does it?

Dave                That’s right. I’d do anything for my kids. I love them to pieces. I’m not a loser.

Simone            I didn’t mean what I said. It just came out. I got mad, that’s all.

Dave                You must have thought it, to say it?

Simone            I didn’t, really. I just lashed out. I know how to push buttons, that’s all. It’s not that difficult. We’re all just walking egos. I simply took your legs from under you, in a manner of speaking. It wasn’t personal. You’re right, of course. I don’t know you. Pay it no heed. After today we’ll probably never even see each other again.

Dave                Fair enough.

                        (Dave paces)

                        Oh, this is stupid! How long does it take to get a bus to come out? What kind of service do they call this? For God’s sake. I’m going to call someone. Something needs to be done about this. I can’t believe there’s no one about. Who do you think I should call?

Simone            I haven’t a clue! What good will it do? It won’t get a bus out any quicker will it? Not in this weather anyway. It’ll be flooding, further down the track, I imagine. You can’t really blame anyone for that, can you?

Dave                Not really – but we shouldn’t have just been abandoned here either! Do you think they’ve forgotten us?

                        (Dave scans the notice board)

Simone            What are you doing now?

Dave                Looking to see if there’s a number. Someone I can call.

Simone            Well? Is there?

Dave                Not that I can see. There’s a Customer Service Charter. Full of the usual bullshit - “We have approachable and proactive Customer Service staff” – that’s taking the Mick, isn’t it? There’s nobody here! Hang on. Lost property. There’s a number for lost property. I can’t see anything else. Shall I ring them?

Simone            What would they be able to do?

Dave                I don’t know really. Put me in touch with someone who can help?

Simone            Where are they? Their office could be anywhere. You do know that don’t you?

Dave                They must have useful numbers to call. It’s worth a try. There’s bugger all else on this board. It’s well out of date. It doesn’t look like it’s been updated in ages. I’ll give them a call.

                        (Dave takes his mobile ‘phone from his pocket. He dials the number and puts the ‘phone to his ear).

                        For crying out loud!

Simone            What now?

Dave                No signal. Look! It was alright earlier. What about yours? Can I borrow your ‘phone.

                        (Simone takes her ‘phone out and checks it. She hands it to Dave).

                        Thanks.

                        (He dials and waits)

                        What? Number not recognised?

Simone            Sure you dialled right?

Dave                I think so.

Simone            Try again.

Dave                Okay. Nope. Same again. Not getting through on that number. Forget it.

                        (He hands the ‘phone back).

Simone            What about directory enquiries? Give them a ring. Go on. Take it back. Try again.

Dave                No, it’s alright. Like you said – probably won’t do any good anyway.

Simone            It was worth a shot.

Dave                It was a good idea. I’ve calmed down now. Can’t be bothered. Who would you call anyway?

Simone            Probably not “Lost Property”.

Dave                No. That was a bit stupid.

Simone            (Laughing).

You could tell them some of their people are missing.

Dave                Yes!

Simone            That’s better!

Dave                What is?

Simone            Laughing about it. No point in getting stressed, is there?

Dave                It does seem pointless. I’m going to miss my meeting at this rate anyway. There’s no way I’m going to make it in time, not now. Maybe I should call them?

Simone            You’re welcome to use my ‘phone if you want. Is it an important meeting?

Dave                Reasonably so. I think I will call them, if I may? I ought to touch base. Tell them it’s looking unlikely I’ll get there. They’ve got my PowerPoint file. They can run without me.

Simone            Expendable, eh? Computers. They told me at school we’d have more leisure time when the computers take over. Another lie, don’t you think?

Dave                That’s true. I work more hours now than I ever did before. I wouldn’t call it being expendable. It’s quite fortunate actually. It’s our policy to share files around – exactly for these reasons. My presentation can still be shown without me. What about you? Don’t you ever use digital? For your pictures?

Simone            Sometimes. Occasionally. Not for all of them. Not for the more…sensitive ones.

Dave                Why not?

Simone            Because they’re not for showing. I already said.

Dave                What difference does it make if they’re digital or not?

Simone            Think about it. Click. Click. Send. It’s too easy.

Dave                (Pause)

Clunk, click. Every trip.

Simone            I beg your pardon?

Dave                What you just said. Click, click. It reminds me of my childhood. Something they used to say, about seatbelts. Strapping in. Clunk, click, before your trip. Jimmy Savile - back in the seventies. You just reminded me.

Simone            It doesn’t bear much resemblance.

Dave                I know. I was being silly. It was one of those silly health and safety films. Like “Charlie Says”. Only, it wasn’t health and safety. Like that film with the couple watching the man at sea.

Simone            Who was at sea?

Dave                This man on a boat. He was tossing about at sea, out of his depth. This couple were on shore watching with their binoculars. He was waving and they were watching. Of course, he needed help but they were too dim witted to know it. It was a film for the Coastguard, or something. Don’t you remember?

Simone            Can’t say I do. So what happened to the man?

Dave                Drowned, I think. At least he would have had, if it were real.

Simone            It wasn’t real?

Dave                No, it was just a cartoon. They all were. Like “Charlie says, don’t go off with strangers”.

Simone            Charlie?

Dave                Charlie was a cat. I don’t know what the kid was called. Kid was a twat anyway. Always just about to go off with strangers until Charlie intervened. Got a kipper for his trouble.

Simone            Who, the kid?

Dave                No, Charlie did. Got a fish for being good.

Simone            And what did you get for being good, Dave?

Dave                Well, that’s just it, isn’t it? You never got anything for doing the right thing, did you? A clip around the ear if you didn’t. Sod all if you did. Mind you, I’m sure that’s a damn sight better than the alternative.

Simone            What exactly was the alternative?

Dave                God only knows. A fate worse than death, I should wonder. No one quite told you what the stranger would do, but we knew it wasn’t good. It didn’t matter how cute the puppies might look, or how tempting the sweets, we all knew that we shouldn’t accept lifts from strangers.

Simone            Good advice, I’m sure. It got you this far, after all. Just how many lifts from strangers have you been offered, Dave?

Dave                Well, there’s the thing. Do you know, I don’t think I’ve ever been offered any.

Simone            Never mind! At least you knew what to do if you were!

Dave                (Laughing)

You don’t think it was just another lie, do you?

Simone            What? The grown ups lying to you? Come on, heaven forbid! If you were offered, you’d still know what to do, right?

Dave                I’d not accept it -

Simone            Oh, I thought you’d know to put your seatbelt on, that’s all, or else you’d get a good hiding!

Dave                That’s about the size of it. Still, it never -

Simone            Did you any harm. So you said.

Dave                Well, it didn’t, did it? Just think, back then we could go off on our bikes. Go off for miles, anywhere we liked, during the school holidays. We’d tell our mums we were off, in the mornings. Me and my mates. We’d pack a bag, full of sandwiches. Peanut butter was my favourite. Peanut butter sarnies and a bottle of pop. No peanut allergies back then! Full of E numbers and off we’d trot off into the country. Not a care in the world - just had to be back in time for tea.

Simone            And I expect the summers were longer, too?

Dave                Well, they were, weren’t they? I’m not kidding! Didn’t they seem longer to you?

Simone            No, you just spent more time out, back then. You just think they were longer.

Dave                We’d go off for miles. Down the back roads and past the heath. We’d stop off, at the stream and swing on the rope someone had put up, on a tree. Swinging over the stream, daring each other to go out further and further. I remember one time. Hanging too low, on the swing. I held my legs out in front of me and smacked right into a boulder. Whacked my coccyx. I couldn’t move. I just sat there in the water. My mates laughed. They didn’t realise how much pain I was in. It knocked the wind right out of me.

Simone            Not entirely without risks, then?

Dave                No, but those were the types of knocks all kids suffer from growing up. Another time, we rode out further than we ever had before. A long way, and we came to a ford.

Simone            A ford?

Dave                Where the stream crosses the road. There was this footbridge.

Simone            And?

Dave                We took it in turns to ride through as fast as we possibly could. It was my turn. I took a run up, gathering speed. I was going at top speed. The water was only a few inches deep. I hit the water at a funny angle and my bike just went from under me. I went one way and the bike went another. We didn’t have helmets back then!

Simone            What happened? Were you hurt?

Dave                Luckily I wasn’t. But it scared me. I was soaked but it was a warm sunny day. We waited, just throwing stones in the water as I dried out. Then this family walked on by.

Simone            A family?

Dave                They must have walked miles. We were in the middle of nowhere.

Simone            Unless they had just parked up nearby?

Dave                Maybe. I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Simone            What about them, anyway?

Dave                Oh, nothing really. Just, there they were. Mum, dad. Grandma, I think, by the looks of the older woman. Then some kids. A girl - about sixteen, and a boy, a bit younger, I think. She had a cheesecloth blouse on and denim shorts. When they all got to the ford they started splashing each other. Soaking them. All laughing. No one minded getting wet. God - at one point, we even thought she - the girl - was going to take her blouse off. We nearly died!

Simone            Perverts!

Dave                It wasn’t like that. It was just schoolboy stuff. In our dreams, maybe. But I always remembered it. That day. Even when there was danger, it didn’t feel bad. Do you think many families go out walking with their kids now? Did you, ever?

Simone            Not much. I always kept myself pretty much to myself.

Dave                I wonder what happened to them. That family. I wonder what they’re all doing now. If they remember those days too? Where did you used to go as a kid then?

Simone            I’d ride, too. But to this little cemetery. It was quiet. I’d read.

Dave                That’s morbid, isn’t it?

Simone            It was peaceful. I’d lie back listening to the birds. Watch the clouds. Blue skies. I liked it.

Dave                Didn’t you have many friends?

Simone            Sure I did. I just liked my own company too.

Dave                I like mine as well. I’d like to go back.

Simone            To the stream?

Dave                No. To those days. When I was younger. Sometimes I wish I could take that kid to one side.

Simone            Who, the girl?

Dave                No, me! Sometimes I wish I could take me to one side and give myself some good advice.

Simone            Advice? What would you say?

Dave                I don’t know, really. Maybe tell myself to just enjoy these days. Make the most of them. One day, they’ll all be over. Keep hold of the memories, because at the end of it all, that’s all you’ll have. Memories.

Simone            You’re being extremely maudlin, Dave. You make it sound like all the good days are over.

Dave                I know that’s not true. Just, when you get older you’ve got to get on with the business of life. Back then it was just about living. Carefree, wasn’t it? None of the crap that adulthood brings. I never realised what my parents had to give up to give me all that. Now I have a better understanding I’ve got a greater respect for them. For it.

Simone            That’s nice then, isn’t it? See, it’s not just about lies, is it? Sometimes it’s about protecting your kids from the truth. You don’t need to know everything, do you? Maybe there’s nothing you could tell that kid. Have you ever thought about that?

Dave                I have. I think maybe I just want to put a hand on his shoulder. Tell him he’s alright.

Simone            Even if you could, it wouldn’t work, would it?

Dave                What do you mean?

Simone            You’d have to run away from him, wouldn’t you?

Dave                Run away?

Simone            From the stranger!

                        (Pause)

                        Do you still want to make that telephone call?

Dave                No. I’ll leave it for now. It’s ironic, in a way.

Simone            What is?

Dave                All this talk of safety and safety gear.

Simone            Why’s that then?

Dave                Because of what I ended up in.

Simone            Safety?

Dave                You asked me if this suitcase summed up my life. What if I opened this case? Would you know the real Dave?

Simone            Well? Would we?

Dave                It’s all in here. The sum total of Dave. All in this little case. Nothing too exciting really. Just my samples. “Evans’ Health and Safety Wear”. There’s me banging on about helmets and kneepads – guess what’s in here?

Simone            Astound me. Helmets and kneepads?

Dave                Nearly right! Safety-wear, for sure. Ear defenders, eye goggles, overalls. “Safety in the workplace is our business”. That’s where I was going. To launch our latest most exciting and innovative range of work wear. And you can have any logo of your choice, on the breast pocket. Pretty damn sexy, huh?

Simone            Someone has to do it, I suppose. It’s all in there, is it?

Dave                Just some of the range. We’ve just improved our fire retardant overalls with new lines and a new exciting catalogue. Funny how even the most boring things get called exciting when they’re trying to flog them.

Simone            It’s all about marketing, isn’t it? They could hardly be honest about it, could they? Here’s our new range of “Functional Utilitarian Work Wear” doesn’t quite have a ring to it, does it?

Dave                No!

Simone            Do I get to see the real Dave then? Are you going to open the case and show me this exciting range of fashionable accessories for the workingman?

Dave                You don’t want to see this, believe me!

Simone            Go on – just humour me. Pretend I’m your client. “Schmooze” me.

Dave                (He unclips the suitcase)

                        What do we have here then?

                        (Dave pulls out a cotton bag)

This is a con for a start. See this lovely cotton bag? That’s just for the samples. First thing you’ll get is a nice polythene bag, and don’t forget to keep it away from children and pets!

Simone            Of course – not to mention suicidal insomniacs with a handful of pills! Carry on, sir!

Dave                And out of this utility bag, I produce our most cutting-edge fire retardant overalls, madam! I present to you the Mark IV version of our “Flame Boy Overall”!

                        (Dave unfolds a set of bright orange flame retardant overalls)

                        Pretty, eh?

Simone            Practical is the word I’d use.

Dave                There aren’t many words for it, is there? They do try, down in marketing, to sex these things up. When it boils down to it, overalls are just overalls aren’t they? Well, there you have it – my life, in a bag.

Simone            Put them on!

                        (Simone takes a photograph)

                        Go on – I could use some of these in a feature.

Dave                What, these? Don’t be daft.

Simone            Really. Go on  - put them on. Don’t be shy. It’s what I do. The right picture - in the wrong place. You haven’t got anything to lose.

Dave                Nothing to gain either. It’s silly.

Simone            No, it isn’t. This is just the right setting. An empty waiting room. Put them on, Dave.

Dave                You’re serious, aren’t you?

Simone            Deadly. No one need know. Put them on.

Dave                But – the pictures? You’ll have them?

Simone            And no one will see them. Leastways, not your face. Are you going to put them on, or not?

                        (Dave hesitates, and then unfolds the overalls. He removes his jacket and shoes then slips the overalls on)

Dave                How do you want me?

Simone            That’s fine. Just as you are. Stand against the notice board. That’s it. Perfect.

                        (Simone shoots some pictures)

Dave                I feel awkward. Are you sure this is okay?

Simone            It’s great. You need to relax. You should be more trusting.

Dave                It’s not like I even know you. It’s not everyday you get asked to sit for some photo’s by a complete stranger. Look, this is silly. It just doesn’t feel right.

Simone            Just a few more. Put the cotton bag over your head. Then no one will know it’s you, will they?

Dave                Oh come on! Like I’m going to do that!

Simone            Five minutes, that’s all. It’ll make all the difference – give them a different context. You’ve seen my work. It will fit in my portfolio perfectly. Will you do it, Dave? Please?

                        (Dave picks up the cotton bag. He hesitates then slips it over his head. Simone pulls the drawstring a little tighter)

Simone            That’s so perfect, Dave. Kneel down.

                        (Dave kneels)

                        Put your hands behind your back, just for a moment.

                        (Dave puts his hands behind his back. Simone takes some handcuffs from her handbag. Before Dave can react she puts the cuffs on him)

Dave                What the hell are you doing? What are those? Are you a copper or something?

Simone            If you want me to be – now SHUT UP!

                        (Dave tries to stand. Simone kicks him in the small of his back)

                        Just sit down. We haven’t finished yet.

                        (She shoots more pictures)

Dave                This has gone far enough. I demand you undo me.

Simone            When I’m done, Dave. You’ll be undone then.

Dave                Why are you doing this? Is it money? Do you want my money? Take my money and let me go.

Simone            Money? This isn’t about money. Now be quiet. Just shut up. Stay down. Don’t move.

Dave                I – but – look –

                        (Simone kicks Dave again)

Simone            I asked for silence. That’s good, Dave. Very good, indeed. I can see this working out just fine, if you stick to the ground rules. We can learn those together, as we go along, if you like. I have a question for you, just nod for yes. Do you understand?

                        (Dave nods)

                        Good boy! Dave – you’re not going to give me any trouble, are you?

(Dave shakes his head)

Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that, though you’re not really in a position to give me any trouble, are you? However, it is good to know that we have an understanding. We’re mutually dependent on each other. You must not worry. If you play by the rules I can assure you that you’ll be fine. We do seem to have a bit of a situation here, though, don’t we? Dave – you can talk to me, Dave.

Dave                Yes – look, will you let me go now – this is nuts, just fucking crazy. Just stop it now, please?

Simone            Oh, come Dave. It’s not real, any of this. You  - you’re not really worried, are you? Really? I’m surprised at you. Hold that position –

                        (Simone takes more pictures)

That’s good. Really good, Dave. You’re a natural. Have you modelled before?

                        (Takes pictures)

Well, Dave? Have you? Dave, don’t go shy on me now. I felt I was just getting to know you – the real you – okay, don’t move a moment – nice! Can you turn this way? Towards me. Just a few more. Lean forward a bit. Dave! Play fair - come on. Ground rules, Dave.

(Simone moves to Dave and shoves him)

I need you to move, this way. That’s a rule from now on. Rule number one. You do as I say.

Dave                Shove it. Get fucked.

(Simone digs her heel into Dave’s back and slowly pushes him forward until he is touching the floor.)

Simone            That’s better – more like it. I’m not sure I liked your tone then, Dave. That wasn’t nice. Not nice at all. I need to be able to depend on you. I thought I could. I’ve a feeling about you. Instincts are good. I’m not usually wrong about people. I thought you were on my side. I need to know. Are you, Dave?

                                (Beat)

                        David?

                        (Beat)

                        Rule two, Dave. I need an answer. Are you with me, or against me?

                        (Beat)

                        I can’t hear you.

(Simone pulls Dave back to a kneeling position. She removes the chain that she had placed in her handbag earlier. She goes behind Dave and wraps the chain around his neck, tugging at it. Dave gags slightly. She repeats, and then releases the tension.)

You’re free to make a choice, Dave.

Dave                (Whispers) With you.

Simone            Thank you. That’s a relief. For a minute things were looking ugly. That’s not what I’m about; you must believe me, Dave.

Dave                Water…

Simone            Pardon?

Dave                Can I have some water please?

Simone            Yes, Dave. Of course you may. Though I don’t have anything to put it in. Hold on…

                        (She looks through the wastepaper basket by the bench and finds an empty water bottle)

                        You’re in luck. I need to do something first. Relax or else it will hurt you…

                        (Simone ties the chain off around Dave’s neck and then to the bench. She goes to the ladies toilet. Simone returns with the bottle, now filled with water.)

                        I’m going to remove the hood, Dave. I need you to stay calm. Keep still.

                        (She removes the hood. She puts the bottle to Dave’s mouth. He drinks. Simone sits down, looking tired.)

                        I need a cigarette. You look like you could do with one too. Would you like that?

                        (She lights a cigarette. She moves across to Dave and holds the cigarette to his lips. He resists.)

                        Come on, Dave. Take it.

                        (Dave relents and takes the cigarette between his lips. He puffs on it. Simone strokes his head gently before taking the cigarette.)

You remind me of someone, you do, sitting there, quietly.

Dave                My knees hurt. We can stop this. I need to stand…

                        (Simone goes to discard the cigarette in the wastepaper bin)

                        That’s not out! You’ll start a fire.

Simone            You’re right. How thoughtful. Very safety conscious.

                        (Simone pours a drop of water on the cigarette and discards it)

Dave                My knees – please help me up.

                        (Simone pulls Dave to his feet. He stares at her. She pushes him onto the bench)

Who were you thinking of?

Simone            Someone I hadn’t thought of for a long time. I used to see her, every week. Every Tuesday, I’d drive past her, in a blur, hardly noticing her at first and she certainly didn’t see me.

Dave                Who was she?

Simone            She was an old lady, sat on her wall. Smoking a cigarette. Sat, staring into space.

Dave                So what?

Simone            It was that look. Like she had run out of time, waiting for it all to end. I never ever saw anyone with her –

Dave                My arms are hurting –

Simone            All alone –

Dave                Did you hear me?

Simone            No one came and no one went –

Dave                Simone…

Simone            So alone, like you. I wanted to talk to her. Ask her things about her life. She had to be more than just what I saw…

Dave                Listen! Simone! These handcuffs are digging into me.

Simone            That rhymed, didn’t it?

Dave                The cuffs, Simone –

Simone            You need to calm down, first. I need to know you won’t do anything silly.

Dave                You bitch. You stupid, stupid bitch. Stop this madness now –

Simone            Dave, you need to bite that tongue of yours. Curb it. That’s not a nice thing to say.

Dave                What do you expect? This is so undeniably fucked up.

Simone            I’ll let that go, this time. Remember the ground rules, though – rule three.

                        (Simone leans in close to Dave, studying his face)

                        Show respect.

                        (Pause)

                        You’ve got that look. The same one she had. It’s in your eyes. The eyes don’t lie. They never do. Tell a lie…be betrayed by an eye. Right now, I’m your best friend. You’re nice to your friends, aren’t you? Let me look at you.

                        (Simone blows gently across Dave’s face)

Dave                Don’t do that.

Simone            Why, don’t you like it? Is it not soothing?

Dave                It hurts my eyes. Stop it.

Simone            Don’t you like me this close to you? Does it disturb you?

Dave                You make me uncomfortable.

Simone            I’m the cool breeze on your face…a gentle wind…does it tickle?

Dave                No, it’s pissing me off, actually.

Simone            That’s no way to speak, is it Dave? I’m being nice here. You don’t treat people very well at all. You’re very adversarial, you know. You need to work on your people skills. Try being more forgiving, Dave. Give a little. I only wanted to make you feel nice.

Dave                Like how? Like this? I’ve got my hands tied behind my back, you’re completely mental and this is supposed to be enjoyable? What would be nice is if you stop this charade right now. Do it now - before someone comes along. If you do I won’t say anything, okay? I promise – but this has gone far enough. You’ve had your joke. Now end it.

                        (Simone puts a finger to Dave’s lips, to silence him)

Simone            Hush little baby

                                Don’t say a word

                        Mama’s going to buy you

                        A mocking bird…

                        It’s no joke. Are you laughing?

                        And if that mocking bird won’t sing

                        Mama’s going to buy you

                        A diamond ring

By the way, who do you think is coming? It’s a quaint idea, but there’s no one coming for you, Dave. I’m all you’ve got. To think, little old me. You and me here, together. Where’s the cavalry? You know what I think? I think they’ve forgotten you. I don’t think anyone is coming for you – do you think that? Honestly?

Dave                Any minute now someone’s going to come in here –

Simone            If that diamond ring turns brass

                        Mama’s going to buy you

                        A looking glass

You’re all alone here. Don’t you know that now? You’re abandoned. Entrusted to my care.  In loco Parentis. I’m doing alright so far aren’t I? Keeping you safe? That’s the main thing isn’t it?

And if that looking glass gets broke

Mama’s going to buy you a Billy goat…

My, haven’t you looked in the mirror lately? You’re beginning to look a little rough around the edges. Quite dishevelled. Where’s your pride? You need to smarten yourself up. Keep up with appearances.

Dave                Who for? You said we’re alone, so why the fuck bother? For you?

Simone            For yourself.

Dave                I do fine as it is. Bitch.

Simone            There you go again. Not good. Bad. This is quite simple. I can reward good behaviour as easily as I can punish the bad. “Disrespect” falls under bad behaviour. I have a feeling you know this already. You’re an intelligent man, aren’t you?

Dave                Actually, I don’t think I give a shit anymore. Good, bad – indifferent – I really don’t care. In fact –

                        (Dave spits at Simone)

                        That’s how much I care!

(Simone wipes her face with a tissue from her handbag, which she carefully folds and puts away).

Simone            Big mistake, Dave. Big fucking mistake. At least your blood’s up. Passion. That’s good. Fervent fever. Believing in something – all good.

                        (Simone takes photographs of Dave)

                        Makes for an interesting subject. Better than the Mr. Semi-suburban of before. Go on – give the camera some more, Dave – ha! Brilliant! More! Pull that face again – look mad – come on, you want to get even, right? Yeah, that’s the one. That’s good. Pull on that chain – look vicious.

Dave                Stop! Stop! I won’t play your silly games! You want mad? You got it, right! Let me go and I’ll give you bloody mad. I’ll chew your fucking tongue out. Punch your lights out…you want it, you can fucking have it -

Simone            Gracious! Quite the transformation. Who’d have thought you had it in you? From mild mannered Dave to natural born killer  - quite the big man, eh? Give a man the right incentive – it’s like a dog with a bone. He can’t let go.

Dave                If you got what you came for, then fine, you’ve had it, right? Just fucking untie me now, just fucking do it –

Simone            Easy tiger – temper, temper…

Dave                Listen to me – enough now.

Simone            You need to calm down. Right now you’re too wild. Le sauvage. Just take it down a bit; and then we can discuss terms.

Dave                Terms?

Simone            Uh-huh. How best we can extract from this situation. We need to be clear on that.

Dave                How about I call the police and have you carted off, for terms?

Simone            That’s simply not going to happen.

Dave                It’s not, is it? I admire your confidence. I’m confident they’ll lock you up and throw away the key.

Simone            I wouldn’t say you’re exactly in a position to make that assumption. I have the key, after all. Shall I flush it away? You’re looking uncomfortable again!

Dave                There’s a reason. I need to pee.

Simone            Why didn’t you say! I’m not unreasonable you know - far from it.

Dave                You’ll let me go then? Let me pee? Do that – I’ll pee. You can go then. I don’t need to see you go. I won’t call the police – just end this. Give me the photos and it’s over. Please?

Simone            I like it. A plan. That’s good. Cognitive thinking. I’ve a different plan though. Do you want to hear it? Maybe? I’ll tell you anyway. This is how it’s going to play out. First of all, you owe me.

                        (Simone wipes her hand across her face).

                       

                        That deserves punishment. I’d expect less from an animal. If you want to behave like a beast, I’ll treat you like a beast. You need to sit up and beg like a dog. Do a good enough job – convince me – and I’ll take you to pee. Don’t, and you can sit there in disgrace.

                        (Simone puts the cotton bag over Dave’s head and loosens the chain from the bench, pulling it around Dave’s neck).

                        Beg. Bark. Bark like a dog.

                        (She tightens the chain again)

                        Get down - on your knees. Bark!

                        (Dave falls to his knees. He hesitates. Simone pulls the chain again).

Dave                Woof. Woof.

Simone            Good. Now more. Bark more! Get on all fours.

(Dave gets on all fours. Simone begins to walk Dave towards the Gents, stopping at her handbag. She removes a small specimen bottle from it.)

                        I’m taking out some insurance. Keep barking.

Dave                (Feebly) Woof, woof!

Simone            That’s quite feeble, Dave. Can’t you put a bit more feeling into it? Think more “vicious”. Snarl. Show your teeth, as it were. Try it again.

                        (Simone tugs at the chain).

Dave                Please...the toilet...

Simone            Anything you like, Dave. Just play the game. Give it up now and you can have anything you want. You’re resisting. I’m sensing it. I’m not feeling you at all. Give me Fido. Be a good boy, now.

Dave                (Slowly and deliberately) Fuck...you...

                        (Dave urinates himself. It takes Simone a moment or two to realise)

Simone            That’s disgusting. You filthy pig. You disgust me. Oh, the smell! It’s rancid.

                        (Simone lets go of the chain. Dave collapses to the floor)

                        You animal! Laying there in your own piss! Why would you do that? Haven’t you got any pride? Aren’t you ashamed?

                        (Dave does not respond. Simone prods him with her foot a few times. Dave moves slightly, barely responding).

                        Come on, now. (Gently) Get up...look, you need to get out of these wet things at least. You’ll get a rash - it can’t be comfortable for you.

Dave                Go away...just leave it. You win, okay? Just go –

Simone            You have to get up off that floor. Get out of these things. Come on, now. Sit up at least.

                        (Simone lifts the chain, but she is gentle. Dave responds, slowly rising to a kneeling position).

                        It’ll be easier if you’re standing. Will you stand up for me, Dave?

                        (Dave struggles to a standing position. He wobbles slightly. Simone stands in front of him and begins to undo his overalls from the front.).

                        There’s just one thing left to do – one more little thing. Then that’s it. All over. I promise...

                       

Blackout